Story behind the model

I am sure the world sees just the glamour part of our lives and why will it not? Even I did the same and that's why I choose modeling as my career. Besides the reason that one day I wanted to be famous and a known personality round the world, like a celebrity. I was not an actor, nor a designer. What I had was a beautiful face, as my mom told me and a good figure, which I loved to maintain, a health conscious freak. Now it was this glam which always attracted me towards the modeling profession. So here I am a super model of the glamorous world which we all see and want to be parts of ... I agree it is a stunning world, hmmm yeah it seems to be. Let me take you for a ride from my eye to this part of the world.

I was a 14 year old girl, living in London with my parents and younger sister. My parents called me as cliff and my sis as Jennifer. I studied in a convent school and had a cluster of friends. I was the tallest among my lot, loved fashion and always wanted to become famous like the big designers. Unfortunately designing was not my cup of tea, so I appreciated the designers, always dreaming to wear their garments but could not afford it.

One day I was sitting at the beach with my mum, when a cool handsome guy walked towards us and introduced himself as Kevin and told me that I was very pretty and had great career scope if I want to become a model. He claims to be from JSK models management. It would be senseless on my part to miss such an opportunity, and JSK has its own standards in London.

My thoughts reached the sky. What I could see was walking the ramp for coco Chanel as the show stopper, while Kevin, the agent was briefing my mum. I always dreamt big in life and the glamour world attracted me, as I always saw the covering of the shell, and did not know what's inside the shell. The world of glamour looks quite attractive and filled with opportunities from a fresher's point of view. But is actually not the case as one has to face a lot of hurdles in the later stages!

In a while we were at home and the hot discussion was on and the result was positive it was very hard to convince my dad still. Yeeaahhhh!! Soon I will be a model. My dreams would come true. My parents were aware of this world to an extent and they were ok with till I was safe, they did not mind me wearing a bikini, for a photo shoot. My parents enquired and were satisfied. Finally I enter the agency.

Here comes Kevin and gives me a warm welcome hug. I was not comfortable as he hugged me tight. But I thought it might be normal in this industry. He briefed me about the organization and I registered with them as a model. He provided me with the requirements which a client expects from a model. This includes the height, weight details and some tips for a model. This certainly was not a 9 - 5 jobs. Shoot can be planned at any time day or night and so on. As I was new to this world he organized a basic shoot for my profile pictures. The photographer, was ready, they are going to take front/back/side posture in bikini and close up face pictures. Scary, I had never come like this before in front of anybody. I was shy, but my mom supported me. The shoot was done.

My days had started...any time I could get a call now, but before that I had to meet up the standards of the agency which every client demands..... It was like; every random person will be checking my physical appearance any time. I had to be ready for it. It was very hard for me to do that. Kevin had counseled me and told that when models go for shows, there are given one green room where so many people move around and we have to change in front of all, with cameras in the room. You cannot be shy. Nobody has time. But all this was above my imaginations....still; I had no way out other than flowing with the water stream. So I did.

I started getting offers for a couple of shoots gradually; for my first call for a shoot the client liked my face but wanted me to lose little weight in a week's time. I was very upset when he said that, thinking how anyone can comment on my appearance when I was very thin in my view. More than that I was worried as to how will I do it in such a short span of time, but then I remembered the terms of the contract. Welcome to the modeling world, Kevin said.

I met other models, made friends. All went well, as till now I was doing ad campaigns only. Kevin had become a very good friend of mine by now. He warned me with his experiences, of how models life is, but you never take it seriously till you experience it. One learns, only when one experiences! I kept all these talks to myself as my parents would never let me go forward with it. I wanted an easy way out to gain fame and a successful career. In my opinion was doing quite well here.

I was having amazing time. My life style had completely changed; my parents gifted me a nice phone. I used to go shopping with them and sometimes with friends. As a model I had to always remember, that I should always move out of the house maintaining my class and standards, and shouldn't think of wearing unfashionable attire. I just have to give this to laundry.

It was almost a year as a model now but under the shelter of my parents and so nothing went wrong. My parents were confident and gave me my space. I could now take my own decisions and travel for the shoots.

It was 18th august when I had a shoot with one of the best photographers of London, "Mr. Jacob". It was a pleasure, if my experience gets added with his name, but now the problem was that the shoot would include nude shoots. When I became aware about it, I was shocked. Caught in a situation where I cannot say "NO". My parents would object with further tours and I would miss the biggest opportunity to a step towards fame. Where all this was casual for the people around me.... So confused I was...what to do and I decided to go ahead...The shoot was at night at the beach view, this was the 1st time I was going to be away from home for the whole night. The beach was a 3 hrs drive from my house and my parents were not coming along. Though I had done night shoots before. I had no clue that the day I always waited for will come like a nightmare. We reached the shooting place not many of us, 2 models and 3 guys along including the photographer. The shoot was finally over by 3 at night, when Jacob came to me in the end and relaxes me to make me comfortable. I was sure he read my mind. We were sitting alone at the beach. He offered me a drink and I refused but he compelled me to try in such a manner that I could not refuse; it was my first try so I went for it. It was Yuk...Frankly But slowly I started enjoying it...I thought it was just a try and I would never repeat it after a peck. It was an hour now and I was down with 4 pecks unknowingly....MY GOSH!!! It was nice talking to him. After a while I don't know what happened. I was so drunk and....next day morning when I woke up I saw him sleeping next to me.

This shook me. I did not utter a word and we returned back home. It was for the first time I could not share what was in my heart with anyone. So just decided to be careful the next time and forget it all...

Slowly the facts of a models life come out now. I started to dig into other's life to break my shell. I found out that the photographers mostly were the biggest warnings in a models life.

Days passed and I started loving my job, I was really enjoying modeling but such fears were a threat now. But I was pretty sure that I would choose fame above all paths. Life moved on. I was invited for a night party by Kevin. I was so excited, was hard to believe that I was going to visit such a party which we watch in television, more than that it was a place where models make business, they get more offers as we get to meet all designers, photographers and other officials of the fashion world for whom we work.

I was all set for the evening with my pretty red dress. When I entered there was loud music, people dancing here and there, smoking and drinking. Smoke everywhere. Looked really cool. After a while, Jacob, the photographer walked towards me and hugged me. I took it positively and moved on. It was 2 hours now. The party rocked no doubt and many other things rocked along. I could see everybody drunk badly, in their own worlds, making out with each other. I'm sure they were not in senses and who will be, after being high like this. It was really surprising.... People having cocaine like its nothing.....mine...that's the real models world...how can these girls do all this was my reaction....so many attempts were made on me that day, but I tried avoiding. No drinking, no smoking, no cocaine and no men. But for how long will this continue was the question in my mind, when everybody is into it. It's a saying that a rotten fruit spoils all in the box. I was trying to keep myself safe.

It was after the 3 -4 party when I was also one among the others who tried out cocaine, as my friends forced me to. They showed me the benefits of it, which actually attracted me. This is how it starts, you don't want to do it but others will make you do it, and once you do it, you become addicted to it.

It was now high time for me to make contacts; I could feel the real pressure of competition and the reason why the other models impressed the designers and photographers anyhow.

Next day I got a call to be a model for a fashion show held in Milan after 2 months for a known designer. Could I get any other better opportunity? I guess NO. A big break what we call it as. I went and met the concerned next day to block the show dates. When he checks me out completely and tells me that I'm perfect but need to lose 5 lbs of weight. Why lose weight when my diet was equal to nothing and I thought I was extremely thin? Tension! Tension! How do I do that? I cannot miss this opportunity. I said a yes for then and came back home.

That is when I realized how and why these models suffer from the eating disorder. Where an opportunity in hand literally forces them starve or take medicines to lose weight or try out cocaine. Look, how we fall in the trap, just to earn money and fame. Nobody can help us and this was "me" among the others this time. Without the knowledge of my parents I took medicines to lose weight and I did it. I was ready and eligible for the set target.

With a dream portrayed in my eye that I was going for a show in Milan as a new face in the industry representing my agency, I was going to get warm welcome there from the other models and so on...I was all set for the show and the next day morning we flew to Milan with 3 friends of mine and Kevin. Again he says, "Welcome to the real world of glamour", just before we enter the hotel where the show was held.

We were allocated a room close to others models rooms. Quite exciting, for the first time staying like that, with a lot of expectation from others we walked towards our room. 2 models crossed us, and left us with our eyes wide open. So pretty they were what attitude they had, the way they walked, it was amazing and we found out that they were the famous super models....and I was in dream world portraying myself in their place at once, forgetting it was my 1st show. We had high hopes that they will come and talk to us, as we smiled at them, but I was wrong. Attitude they had. We were getting late, had to go down for rehearsals in 30mins. We got fresh and went down. The choreographer welcomed us all. He was friends with most of the models; it was only 5 of us as new face. This was when we stared understanding Kevin's words. Everybody was sweet to talk to but, by the ignorance we received at work, it was proved. We were the last ones to be placed in the sequence, and we could not object. They did not even correct us while walking, and I was sure we were not as good as the other models. So, we started trying to copy others and behave the same way. We received the same treatment from the designers also, where we had to wear what they gave us, while others fought for their own outfit. It was a good teaching.

Finally it was the time for the show, we all went to get ready and it was a big mess in the green room. Nobody had time, all were rushing up. You cannot be shy, changing your clothes in front of all and be in a corner and wait for makeup, someone will attend to you soon. I tried my best to copy the other models in the way they behave though our walk was not that different and now was very excited and tensed.

The show started, it went off well, I gave my best and now an after party was planned tonight, and this was the opportunity to glam ourselves up, and celebrate fashion through music. Everyone was welcome to attend the party, regardless of whether you went to the Fashion Show or not. Should be fun along with a very good opportunity.

It was time to get ready for the party. I had put on my sexy pink short dress, with 5 inch heels. All set. We went down to the hall where party was scheduled. It was a huge big hall, but damn crowded. All moving around with a glass and smoke in hand, enjoying the amazing music. And then Kevin came and took us along. He introduced us to few more people when I was shocked as a designer actually noticed me and appreciated my walk. He took my no. then we moved around and tried talking to different people so that we could utilize the opportunity. It was fun, as I made many friends that day and so did the other models, which had come along with me. It was really a nice exposure and for the 1st time I was visiting such an amazing lively party. The models who threw a lot of attitude were also quite jolly by the mid party when we actually spoke to them. Now the party was towards the end and we were flying back home the next day. I was really thankful to Kevin for giving me such an opportunity in life; it was only because of him, to an extent that I was there that night.

My parents received me at the airport. Then it was talk, talk and lots of talk, which continued with them for the whole day. I was hoping to see a nice life ahead and assuming that I would get calls for such shoots' here after, I loved my experience.

Now slowly my interest in other shoots was decreasing, I was more interested in runway modeling. But a month had passed and I got no calls, which is when I decided to register myself with other modeling agencies. Kevin was not happy with my decision, but I had to do it. Who would not like to move on in life? It was not that I was discontinuing my contract with Kevin's agencies, but was trying to expand my career by registering with other agencies as well.

Life moved on, I was busy now as I was getting more offers from other agencies. I even got to attend few more international runway shows through other agencies. I was gaining my fame and was becoming a known face. A lot of offers were coming my way. Life was hectic, school was over by now and I was fully into my professional life. My day's schedule was very hectic, slowly I was giving more time to work and less for family and friends, I was getting complains from all ends but I had no other go.... It is not easy to get famous; it's always hard and harder here...work was more and time was less. Life was not like how I had assumed it to be. Work pressure was high, along with a lot of after parties. My life style, my friends, my priorities had changed.

I started moving around with people who were open minded, for them contacts and fun was the priority. Drinking and smoking was casual and stylish. My company changed me. To move with the lot I changed myself. I started enjoying drinking and smoking or say slowly I was addicted to it. It was the worst that could happen to me and this was one thing my parents objected but time and situations changed me. It was very hard for me to quit it. Every day there was a fight at home but I did not really care. Slowly my parents accepted the fact, as I hurt them a lot when they supported me at every step in life.

Due to my busy schedule and work pressure and appointments with clients from other agencies, it was the first time I refused Kevin for a show. He was not only an agency owner but a good friend of mine. But models work for those clients who pay them more money and commitment matters a lot in our profession. Then what was wrong in what I did? But unfortunately in Kevin's case something was wrong, that he happened to hear a refusal from my end. I was mostly hooked up with work somewhere; it was not in my control. But this time he did not understand me. He thought I was showing attitude as I was the new face in ramp show and was doing quite well. It was not attitude but a problem with no solution.

There was a big show happening in Milan for spring summer collection where I got the offer to walk for Chanel. My dream designer, how could I miss it? I was in a different world, my imaginations touched the sky. We always think what's so special if you walk for Alexander McQueen but the different feel is that these designers are so creative. It's not just the garment but they make you look like a different individual itself. It's an honor to be approached by such designers. A model understands it better.

By now, I had learned a lot from my friends, my attitude had changed, my walk had improved, I had started drinking and smoking. Wearing designer wear outfits was now affordable. It was the after party of the show which I went for. I had put on my white dress with a nice belt and high heels. Ready to go. I was very happy doing the show.... When I entered, it was all big designers, photographers and celebrities in for the party. This was when I got the real feel of being a model attending the after party. I accompanied a lot of designers and photographers that evening for a drink. Appreciation from such people boosted me up and I remembered the days in school when this was my dream. It was by the end of the party I was drunk, enjoying myself making friends and dancing. When a photographer name "John", with whom I had spent the major time of the party, asked me if I wanted to try cocaine. My reaction was "NOO!!" But he told me there was nothing wrong in trying once. I was not myself- was high. He convinced me to give a second thought over it. And we tried. It made me go crazy...... a shock... oh my god. I would never try it again in life, was my thought.

I had my flight back home the next night. This was among the most memorable trip and the most useful trip. I had made abundant friends using the tricks other models do. What others need is just a company for an evening and we need is contact. This is how it goes; now it's my responsibility to maintain the contacts. My path way for the next step of success was ready; I need to walk on it.

Till now, I had struggled a lot to prove myself. It took a long time for me to reach this stand and I was ready for all hard ship further.

People around me thought I was showing attitude to all, my old friends, Kevin and so on. I tried my best to explain but they did not seem to understand me. Finally it was Kevin on whom all frustration came out. A big bash!

It was a long time since I took a small break, after a heavy schedule of a week; I decided to keep myself free on Monday and Tuesday. Kevin called me on Monday and asked me if I could do an ad shoot for him. The pay scale was not that attractive but he urgently needed so he called me. And I had to say 'no' cause I had plans with family. He misunderstood me that I was showing attitude as he was not paying me good enough and though I would not lower my standard that is why I refused to work for him. That is not what I think. This hurt me and him as well. I tried telling him my feelings but it did not work out. I gave up. Fire had lit. This shook me, as I was not wrong and tried to be good with all.

Well, I enjoyed my weekend with my parents, took them around to new places, shopped and enjoyed. We had amazing lunch and dinner at resorts, which we could not afford to go earlier. This was an amazing feeling for me and my parents. That is what I wanted.

Competition was increasing, struggle was more? I registered with another agency, better once. Anything to be a super model. My world had changed if I look back. I was more interested in creative stuff after my 1ST show with Alexander McQueen. I wanted to be different, rather than doing normal runway shows. I wanted to try out different looks to add up. Wanted it to be a surprise in front of all with shocking looks.

As a model - I can't speak for all models, I can go on assumptions based on what I've seen - my assumption is that most girls enjoy the job, but they do the job and they go home. For me, this was my job, this was my art, and this was my life... To transform yourself was the greatest part of my work. This was what made me happy, the first time it was tried on me during Alexander's show. And to be able to try to do as many looks as I can and to show variations every time before I present myself to the world was exciting to me and I wished to excite people with what I do.

I worked for my aim or creativity at work; I've had moles painted on my face, I've been made tanner with makeup in many shows. It was exciting to me...It's not who I am, standing in front of the camera - something happens. I become something else. It was my interest which was actually giving me fame and I always believed creativity was a part of modeling, that's why it's not just a job it's a performance, where every show you ought to perform and get in as a character based on designers theme for the show.

My work pressure was more, now it was not many small ad campaigns or just 5 - 6 people working and the shoot happens, where the level of comfort was more due to less people. There's a whole team and tons of work that goes into 8-10 images that you see in an editorial...As a model. Seeing my co- workers I was learning and felt I stood nowhere. I had to work upon my attitude, my knowledge on the fashion industry and the techniques to make contacts. I had made it a big point to learn fashion references, which include different types of jobs to be a better model. It was really necessary as here the makeup artist as the biggest example, do not care about how the models look after the show, so shaving of the eyebrows if needed was very common till you object and suggest them. This was possible only if I knew anything. Life was at a different level taking unknown turns.

One evening I went out with a friend called 'Shrean' for coffee. She was one of the top super models that time and fortunately had become a good friend of mine due to often meets at these after parties. We were generally talking about modeling and we landed up in a topic where we started talking about the dirty side of our profession. Which generally a lot of models keep as a secret, as who would like to tell I have been raped so many times.?

Nobody does favours. For achieving something you have to give them something. Rape was common for most of the models at this level, the only difference being either you voluntarily surrender to sleep with people you have work with, or they will make an attempt on their own. This was the problem not only for girls, but even for guys. This is why most of the guys happen to turn out to be gays or homosexuals. It's all for a good career. The only option one is left with is, either to change your stream or convert yourself. When it happens for the first time, we think a lot what to choose. A lot of people quit because of this and others accept it thinking only for once lets go ahead, we shall not do it next time. But that is not possible and down the line one gets used to it....there are people in the fashion industry who want to be gays/lesbians/homosexual and they do not mind sleeping with anyone but it's not that all are same. Few models are forced to attempt such things as; all they want is success and fame which they tend to get in return.

This was the first time I shared my experience with someone. When people attempted rape on me. I had missed so many opportunities because of this problem.

I was 16 when the 1st attempt was made on me by a designer. I had done 4 ad shoots for him and made handsome amount of money out of it. He was a big opportunity for me. During the 5th shoot we went to stay overnight at a beach resort, the shoot was at night. After the shoot all the team members enjoyed themselves, drinking and dancing. The designer 'Chris' was high, when he came to my room and said he is bored. He sat next to me and started talking. I was perfectly fine with it till then. After a little while he tried to come closer and closer to me. That was a little weird. I kept shifting when he held my hand and then my waist and appreciated my figure. I was not comfortable with his touch at all. I tried a lot to escape but he was a big built man, and it was hard for me to escape. It was night time and we were at a beach resort, even my screaming did not matter. No one heard me. He raped me and then blackmailed me saying that, if I would make a scene of this he would spoil my career. What could I do, other than accepting it, because my career was more important.

The most horrifying part was we had to compromise ourselves in this industry. Shrean even shared her lives disasters. She started modeling as a teenager and since then she had also faced numerous circumstances where just for a small campaign she had to sleep over. My world had totally changed in these couple of years. I have become someone whom I myself wasn't aware of. Cocaine, smoke and boozing became my style quotient and I used to flaunt it with lot of garizma without knowing the results of it. But my greatest dream, my passion and zest to become a super model was still awaited. Time rolled over by each passing day and that day had come when it was my cal.

The most awaited time of my life was here as I met the world's best fashion designer and entrepreneur of the fashion industry. The contract laid in front of me said many rules which a girl can never think of. I also got a lot of perks with it.

My parents started hating my job to the core and I had to leave them. This was the toughest part of my life where I needed a lot of support and care but my family was not there beside me. Where do I go? I had no choice but chose to ask Shrean. She was already staying in a live-in relationship and this is too common in this industry. Her boyfriend didn't mind me staying over. As days passed by I started feeling that I was spoiling their privacy so decided to join a guy who was a gay. I thought, staying with him won't be an issue as long as I am safe. Gradually, we started dating and he was being my biggest support in life but we could not marry each other. He was a Brahmin and I a Muslim. Worlds Apart. Here begins the drama.

My My...!!! I was in a world of dilemma and my career at stake. He was very supportive and caring. Never bothering about the future I continued doing great shows. He was also from the same profession so I got a lot of guidance from him. I became the brand face of many top fashion brands in the country and worldwide but who knows the girl behind me. I dint lose hope even if many hurdles came my way. I had to make lots of compromises but still the faith that I can make it big did not stop me or let me down. From a rising star to a celebrity. Yes it's the ugly business to fame and glamour. It was exactly what I needed to break free and choose the experimental instead of the mundane and predictable. Fear motivated me. We have designed very different lives for ourselves (or have let OTHERS design them for us) but we have chosen to pursue what we have and now it may be time for our hard drives to be rebooted. Think about it.